Sam, my love.
Man, know what I was thinking about today while I was on my way to work? Sam. Sam is my boyfriend. I call him Cahn. I love him so much. He is so great. At everything. I would drink his freakin bathwater (if he took baths…he doesn’t need to bathe because he constantly smells like a freeze breeze in a meadow of freshly bathed puppies and butterscotch…sigh…)
But back to Cahn! He’s so funny. I have a six pack from laughing so hard at his never ending comical triumphs. Some at my own expense. Like how the night we met I had ice cream in my purse. That’s right, ice cream. I carried ICE CREAM…in my PURSE. But back to Cahn!
He’s so funny—oops I already said that! LOL! He’s handsome, too. Sure his hair looks like if Richard Simmons mated with a Brillo pad, but his sharp chin and killer smile cancel that right out. And his arms…O…M…G. His arms can carry up to TWENTY, maybe THIRTY pounds at a time! Sooooo dreamy…and did I mention Cahn has a great butt??
His butt…is…there are no words. His butt is so nice, when he dies I want to have implants from his. That’s how good it is. I mean I have a nice butt, but his, WOOOOWEE! I won’t even talk about his chest because it’s so steamy…oh what the hay! His chest is like that of a god…like if a god worked out! Can you imagine? A god, having a workout!? That’s Sa—Cahn. Goodness. I need some iced tea now! Getting HOT in here!
Why was I writing this? Oh yeah! Now I remember! Because CAHN SPENT OVER 3 HOURS LOOKING AT TUMBLR PICTURES TRYING TO FIND A PICTURE I SUBMITTED MONTHS AGO AND SIFTED THROUGH THOUSANDS OF PICTURES OF BLACK GIRLS TO FINALLY FIND ME, ASHLEY, ON JANUARY 11, 2012! GOD FORBID THEY POST A PICTURE OR TWO OF A HORSE, OR SOME FLOWERS, OR A DOLPHIN…NO…THEY POST PICTURE AFTER PICTURE OF BLACK GIRLS…YOU KNOW…LIKE ME. SO SAM GOT DIZZY LOOKING SO LONG, NOW HIS EYES ARE RED AND HE NOW HAS SEEN SO MUCH FASHION AND HAIR TIPS, HE FEELS LIKE HE CAN BECOME A BLACK GIRL WITH NOOOOO PROBLEM! THANKS CAHN!
I get to see him tomorrow and I’m going to buy him dinner because of this tireless feat he accomplished.
-Ashley Von Digamo Cubbins III
